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Four Emails I Wrote from Work the Day After I Lost My Virginity (or The Only Love Story I Ever Told)
By Craig Battle

#1:

Laura,

That shit is weird about the woman sleeping with the Nazi dog. I can imagine the headline, as I didn't actually read the paper yesterday, or the day or week or month previous, that says, "Woman dates Nazi dog." That's weird. Yeah, everything else is weird these days, too, and I think I'm coming down with the fever. You know. It's going around. Yeah, I should get back to work, though, because I do so little around here anyway and I think I'm degenerating. However, we finally got the 80s station, and it makes degeneration fun. Music makes everything fun. With that, I go. Adieu.

Craig

#2:

Darren,

I'm on the rag.

Craig

#3:

XXXXXX,

Everything amazes me right now. I can't talk long, but I'll give you a rundown of the things in my head. You. Virginity. Gone. The phrase, "On the rag." Funny. Condoms. Queasy feeling in stomach, spreading to throat. Little feverish. Rain. Sleep depravation. Becoming human. The word, "Yikes." Green tea with honey. 80s music. The theme song from Beverly Hills Cop. The feeling someday somebody will say to me, "Oh. You and your bodily fluids." You. What friends in high school referred to as "Fuck hair." The phrase, "On the rag," again. Words. Re-appropriation. Funny. The ferry. Virginia Woolf. Books. Bookstores. Work. What work? The number 39 bus. Vancouver. You. Morning after pills. Birth-control pills. Multivitamins. Parenthood. "Oh my God. Parenthood." Fate. Free will. Consequence. Existentialism. The phrase, "Stranger things have happened." The theme from Beverly Hills Cop, again. Eighties music. Condoms. Tea. Honey. Nakedness. Honey and nakedness together. Skin. Yours, good. Mine, bad. Work. What work? Oh, right. I have to go. I will call you when I get back tomorrow, probably early evening. Okay? Okay.

Craig

#4:

Darren,

I am come safe into my new country. Womanhood.

Craig

Craig Battle is leading the renaissance in newspaper reporting.