By way of explanation:

All I know for sure is that they don't call them the Schenley Awards anymore and no one is explaining why. They are the "CFL Awards" now, as if that is actually an improvement.

The setting:

Montreal, Quebec. Day before the 2001 Grey Cup between the Calgary, Alberta Stampeders and the Blue Bombers of Winnipeg, Manitoba.

The stage. The hosts:

The stage has a symmetrical ugliness all its own (see Figure 1) and I am pretty sure the English host, John Wells, is a great big phoney. It's hard to get a reading on the French host, what with him speaking in French almost the entire time. He (I didn't catch his name) looks a little shifty, for sure, but Wells is clearly the leader. He's slippery and devious. At least.

Figure 1. Basic schematic of the stage for the 2001 CFL Awards:

But, in the interest of just getting on with it:

Shit, even I can stand to watch on television and take notes. As follows.

Notes:

One of the best things about the CFL awards is that they discuss in great detail past Grey Cup games held in the host city. In this case Montreal, Quebec. This adds to the ambiance and represents the evening's only nod to the grand history of the CFL in Canada. It also keeps the hosts from trying to be funny, or, better still, from talking at all.

1931: The first forward pass was completed in Grey Cup History. It was thrown by a man playing for a team called the Winged Wheelers; presumably the man who caught it was also a member of that unfortunately named team.

1977: 68,318 see the hometown Alouettes beat the goddamn Edmonton Eskimos on the backs of players like Sonny Wade and Peter Dela Riva (sic). The Alouettes were coached by soon-to-be-woebegone coach Marv Levy. Who, like Diane Chambers and Henry Blake, should have stayed put.

1980: The two-headed quarterback monster of Tom Wilkinson and Warren Moon lead the goddamn Edmonton Eskimos to one of what will be five consecutive Grey Cups. Other players on the team include Brian Kelly (Canada's Steve Largent) and Jim Germany (Canada's Jim Germany).

1985: The BC Lions beat Al Bruno (who played Nick Tortelli on TV's Cheers) and his Hamilton Tiger Cats. The Lions are clad in the world's orangest uniforms and led by their Italian kicking legend Lui Passaglia (whose success in the game had no apparent relation to the fact his wife once taught me in elementary school): he kicked 5 field goals and ran a fake punt for a key first down late in the game. The Lions are quarterbacked by Roy Dewalt, who throws mostly to the legendary Mervyn (obligatorily nicknamed Swervin') Fernandez durning the season, but the Swerv is hurt for the final. Lions receiver Ned Armour catches a key touchdown pass in the game, but is not, like Fernandez, blessed with a cool nickname and is quickly forgotten.

The show:

Yes, well, Chris Schultz, former lineman and now quasi-announcer expert, banters with a Montreal lineman named Pierre.

He (Schultz not Pierre who can barely get a word in) is a pathetic windbag and it will be pleasant later in the evening when I see highlights from an old Grey Cup game wherein Schultz gets kneed in the head and stays down on the turf for a good three minutes.

Take that, I will think later, and laugh.

At the moment however, he is totally ruining the Offensive Lineman of the Year award for me and it is my favourite award; and the one I have the most money on, as ever.

A small sampling of things Chris Schultz said that deserve mockery:

"Super" (5 times).

"Representing the O-Line" (2 times).

"Being in football is the best team sport there is"
(1 time).

The Contenders for the Most Outstanding Lineman of the Year Award:

Jay McNeil. London, Ontario. No neck. Left Guard. 6'3. 280 pounds. Kent State University. Number 50. Dirty blonde hair, kind of feathered in a 00's kind of way. Winner of the DeMarco-Becket Memorial Trophy for Most Outstanding Lineman: West Division. Representing the Calgary Stampeders and, of course, the O-line.

Dave Mudge. 6'7. 305 pounds. Neck. Whitby, Ontario. Right Tackle. Michigan State. Number 68. Straight buzz cut that makes his head look like both a state trooper and a cinder block. Winner of the Leo Dandurand Trophy for Most Outstanding Lineman: East Division. Representing the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

A one-sided conversation between Chris Schultz and I:

Schultz: And the award for "joueur de ligne" goes to:

Me: McNeil, McNeil, McNeil, come on McNeil!

Schultz: Dave Mudge

Me: Schultz you crooked fuck!

The camera:

Finds McNeil right after the announcement and he doesn't look happy. He is not used to faking that he doesn't care about winning. Just before he is ripped off the screen for Mudge's sad speech, (wherein he will mention "representing the O-Line", "the coach" and "Mo"; who apparently showed him the ropes) he looks like he wants to get hold of someone, Schultz I imagine, and knock his fucking head into that press-board podium until the blood runs off the stage and then he'd know—they'd all know—who the Offensive Lineman of the year is.

Brief interlude wherein I flip the channel to Friends.

In this episode Monica and Rachel have moved across the hall into the "guys" apartment. They are clearly not enjoying the new digs (Monica sleeps in a ball on the floor). Joey is there too. Everyone is in their pyjamas.

It's a long time before:

I find the awards channel again, and when I do they are running the credits and I am so shocked I drop the remote control where I stand and run as fast as I can out of the house and down the street.

Totally petrified.

Kent Bruyneel lost fifty bucks on McNeil. Bastard.