* * * * *
And so begins our marathon coverage of the Canadian Football
League's raison d'ętre, its carnival; Stanley Cup; Brier;
Ididarod; Big Week; World Series; its "Lower Oakland
Roller Derby Finals"; Mann Cup—actually we've
been covering the CFL all year. Well, not us really more
like Louis Riel. Yeah, old Louis's been going to almost
every game this year. The thing is he likes both Winnipeg
and Saskatchewan, you understand. But, he decided, maybe
around February, to go solid for Winnipeg, what with that
nut-crunching defense, (Dumont would have loved these
bastards, he kept saying) and goddamn Dave Ritchie,
who, goddamn it, looks like a goddamn football coach.
Goddamnit—its Kentucky Derby; its Miss World; its
Mercury Music Prize; it's Palm D'Or; Blue Ribbon; Red
Sash; Emmy, Grammy; MTV Movie Award; Heavyweight Title:
the Grey Cup. There will appear in these days—these
decadent Edenic like days upon us like six girls dancing
and kissing in a circle and you're the only boy—at
least four more articles. All Words on The Canadian Football
League By Matthew Dorrell (except where otherwise noted).
Who is a decent writer, you have to admit—Ed.
* * * * *
Pinball
Clemons New Argos President
by Matthew Dorrell
Pinball Clemons will be leaving his position as Head Coach
for the Toronto Argonauts to become the team’s new President.
It is hoped that Clemons’ most prominent off-the-field
abilities -- smiling, grinning, and being unfailingly
optimistic in the face of utter disaster – will serve
him better as a President than as Head Coach.
Clemons was unable to be found for comment, but was reported
to be irrationally excited about his new position with
the Argos.
Matthew
Dorrell is so looking forward to the Grey Cup. So.
