FACT: Many facilities in communities around the country have received anthrax threat letters. Most were empty envelopes; some have contained powdery substances. The purpose of these guidelines is to recommend procedures for handling such incidents.
OPINION: For example, did you know that if you receive a letter in the mail, you should boil it in water before opening its contents?

FACT: DO NOT PANIC.
OPINION: How could I possibly panic after reading a reassuring statement written entirely in CAPS LOCK?

FACT: Anthrax organisms can cause infection in the skin, gastrointestinal system , or the lungs. To do so, the organism must be rubbed into abraded skin, swallowed, or inhaled as a fine, aerosolized mist.
OPINION: Avoid infection by NOT swallowing or rubbing suspicious looking letters and packages on your naked body as most people (like myself) tend to do whenever the mailman pays a visit.

FACT: Disease can be prevented after exposure to the anthra spores by early treatment with the appropriate antibiotics.
OPINION: It is recommended that you build up antibodies to diseases by listening to a lot of Anthrax. In particular, their collaboration with Public Enemy, "Bring Da Noize".

FACT: Anthrax is not spread from one person to another person.
OPINION: So feel free to poke and prod any coworker infected by anthrax without any worry.

FACT: For anthrax to be effective as a covert agent, it must be aerosolized into very small particles. This is difficult to do, and requires a great deal of technical skill and special equipment.
OPINION: This is why midgets are believed to be at the heart of this latest scare. Only they have hands little enough to pull something like this off so well.

FACT: If these small particles are inhaled, life-threatening lung infection can occur, but prompt recognition and treatment are effective.
OPINION: Just because there is the threat of anthrax now, it does not mean that it is unsafe to inhale white powder delivered through the mail. How else are you supposed to tell if your latest supply of cocaine is any good?

FACT: Do not shake or empty the contents of any suspicious envelope or package.
OPINION: Suspicious envelopes tend to have stamps on them. If you receive an envelope or package with stamps on it, do not open it, and alert the authorities immediately.

FACT: Place the envelope or package in a plastic bag or some other type of container to prevent leakage of contents.
OPINION: Keep your co-workers at ease while doing this by joking about how everyone is always trying to kill you.

FACT: Then leave the room and close the door, or section off the area to prevent others from entering (i.e., keep others away).
OPINION: An effective way to keep people away is by saying Econoline Crush are in there.

FACT: List all people who were in the room or area when this suspicious letter or package was recognized. Give this list to both the local public health authorities and law enforcement officials for follow-up investigations and advice.
OPINION: Just don't mention my name, or I'll fucking kill you for real next time.