400 Reasons Why You Should or Should Not Vote
for Jeff Coll for University of Prince Edward Island Student Union
By Jeff Coll
1. He's male.
2. He drives a Buick.
3. He's short.
4. He wears glasses.
5. He hates sports.
6. He only owns two pairs of shoes.
7. He thinks he's big.
8. He likes pop music.
9. He's an English major.
10. He lives in Cornwall.
11. He's Canadian.
12. He works for The Cadre.
13. He wants to win.
14. He has used Napster.
15. He probably doesn't like you.
16. He drinks Fresca.
17. He has never been to Manitoba.
18. He likes early Beatles music.
19. He believes that Babe: Pig in the City is the best film of the
past three years.
20. He doesn't smoke.
21. He's pretentious.
22. He can't change a tire.
23. He doesn't like popcorn.
24. He wasn't born on PEI.
25. He eats meat.
26. He lives with his mother.
27. He doesn't remember your name.
28. He doesn't drink alcohol.
29. He has never killed anyone.
30. He thinks that he's better than you.
31. He knows the number pad codes to get French accents in Windows.
32. He supposedly looks like Milhouse Van Houten.
33. He has never kissed a girl.
34. He believes in equal rights for everyone.
35. He keeps Oreo cookies in his garage.
36. His mother gets him his jobs.
37. He was in a rap group.
38. He has more than one nickname.
39. He's a child of divorce.
40. He doesn't like to ask for help.
41. He had pancakes for dinner once.
42. He eats Kraft Dinner even when he doesn't have to.
43. He owns all of the Barenaked Ladies studio albums.
44. He's an atheist.
45. He found Waldo.
46. He has no shame.
47. He has received two parking tickets.
48. He can't play any musical instruments.
49. He reinvented the wheel.
50. He thinks that he is an honourary member of The Rude Mechanicals.
51. He enjoys Burger King food.
52. He describes himself as a sad, strange, little man.
53. He types only 35 words per minute.
54. He doesn't recycle as much as he should.
55. He never walks his dog.
56. He doesn't have a favourite colour.
57. He thinks that the comic strip is dead.
58. He knows pi to two decimal places.
59. He hates Adam Sandler movies.
60. He's sorry.
61. He didn't find the ending of The Sixth Sense predictable.
62. He plagiarised his essay for his grade five science fair project.
63. He believed in Santa Claus until he was eleven years old.
64. He wants more.
65. He doesn't love Raymond.
66. His mother calls him "Jeffrey."
67. He has never broken any of his limbs.
68. He used to be really fat.
69. He sucked his thumb until he was twelve years old.
70. He likes sushi.
71. He has been sincerely called "saucy."
72. He doesn't think that Magnolia is pretentious.
73. He punches like a girl.
74. His only tie has "Tim Hortons" written on it.
75. He thinks that Rolling Stone is still a good magazine.
76. He sings "With A Little Help From My Friends" in the
77. He has never read The Odyssey.
78. He hates people who park in the lanes in front of malls and
79. He aspires to be more like Max Fischer.
80. He should be doing something else.
81. He thinks that Tim Hortons should have an apostrophe.
82. He has little appreciation for poetry.
83. He chose wisely.
84. He wanted campaign buttons, but they were too expensive.
85. He thinks that marijuana should be decriminalised.
86. He wasn't allowed to say "jerk off" in a grade twelve
Visual Communications project.
87. He wore braces on his teeth for only six months.
88. He doesn't mind if you smoke.
89. He didn't mind Keanu Reeves in Kenneth Branagh's Much Ado About
90. He drinks bottled water.
91. He has no confidence in his French-speaking abilities.
92. He doesn't think that he deserved a 96 in Introduction to Drama.
93. He nearly drowned in a hot tub.
94. He has been mistaken for a girl at least five times.
95. He wonders if it must be.
96. He shook Don McKellar's hand
97. He won the Science Award when he graduated from junior high.
98. He didn't understand Lost Highway.
99. He has poor penmanship.
100. He was never dropped on his head when he was a baby.
101. He still hasn't gotten around to finishing the first Harry
102. He thinks that he will direct a film some day.
103. He doesn't hold grudges.
104. He's open minded.
105. He's an innie.
106. He remembers.
107. He found his groove.
108. He ate dinner at Wade MacLauchlan's house.
109. He's not sure whether he has allergies or not.
110. He thinks that Al Gore was robbed of the presidency.
111. He's a misanthrope.
112. He can see the secret images in Magic Eye puzzles.
113. He has delusions of becoming a writer.
114. He never loses his keys.
115. He wonders if Matthew Rainnie will ever ask him to do another
116. He writes his signature differently every time.
117. He used to own a Tommy Hilfiger shirt.
119. He's disappointed that the new Student Centre won't be ready
until after he graduates.
120. He's not sure.
121. He volunteers at City Cinema.
122. He doesn't understand the point of make-up.
123. He doesn't keep up in current affairs as well as he should.
124. He hopes that XTC will do a concert tour some day.
125. He thinks that the Internet is a poor research tool for English
126. He's waiting for the day when he will be exposed as the fraud
that he is.
127. He hates small talk.
128. He thinks that Chekhov plays are all the same.
129. He thinks that he's always right.
130. He needs a new watch.
131. He thinks that the MPAA rating system is flawed.
132. He has never won a game of Super Mario Bros.
133. He cried during The Green Mile.
134. He beat up someone who was mentally handicapped when he was
in grade three.
135. He doesn't like The Guardian.
136. He masturbates.
137. He doesn't like the Faculty of Business.
138. He likes Coke better than Pepsi.
139. He wishes that Baba's Lounge was larger.
140. He used to be able to identify every US state on a blank map.
141. He doesn't care about the weather.
142. He could use some more socks.
143. He ate dog biscuits when he was four years old.
144. He doesn't understand why people believe the articles in The
145. He doesn't have a passport.
146. He does his own laundry.
147. He watches too many movies.
148. He doesn't exercise.
149. He hates pub crawls.
150. He's a little shy.
151. He procrastinates.
151. He liked The Blair Witch Project even though he realises that
it wasn't scary.
152. He might be attracted to you.
153. He worked at Tim Hortons for two years.
154. He can't drive a standard.
155. He tolerates children.
156. He enjoys satire.
157. He won't correct you if you mispronounce his last name.
158. He always upsizes his burger combos.
159. He wonders what he would look like with a beard.
160. He doesn't own a gun.
161. He almost broke his fingers while riding on the Gravitron when
he was five years old.
161. He is still uncertain about the proper uses for the semi-colon.
162. He thinks that CIMN should broadcast Charlottetown-wide.
163. He could beat you at trivia if he ever went.
164. He thinks that the Royal Canadian Air Farce people are too
old to be funny.
165. He has too many passwords to remember.
166. He doesn't know how to inhale.
167. He has lost interest in weekend box office grosses.
168. He can spell embarrassed correctly.
169. He won't give you his autograph.
170. He could be wrong.
171. He sunburns easily.
172. He's immature.
173. He voted Liberal in the last federal election.
174. He gets carded whenever he goes to bars.
175. He understands what you're saying.
176. He thinks that he will be famous before he turns thirty years
177. He paid for a private dance at a strip club.
178. He could do better.
179. He didn't start the fire.
180. His DVD collection is worth more than he is.
181. He doesn't take himself seriously.
182. He should eat more fresh fruit.
183. He has an ingrown toenail.
184. He feels uneasy about using the word niggardly.
185. He thinks that the Fredericton Police Department is out to
186. He has urinated in a pool.
187. He doesn't dye his hair.
188. He still uses Netscape.
189. He's not perfect.
190. He's pro choice.
191. He can relate to Travis Bickle.
192. He lost money by investing in technology mutual funds.
193. He passes wind in public.
194. He doesn't own a thesaurus.
195. He doesn't get enough e-mail to justify having three e-mail
196. His last student council campaign involved standing on a chair
and eating a banana.
197. He's not homosexual.
198. He has big plans.
199. He thinks that it might take you a while to read this list.
200. He likes Jackie Chan movies.
201. He doesn't care if you call shotgun.
202. He waits too long between haircuts.
203. He has no siblings.
204. He endured.
205. He doesn't know how far is too far.
206. He likes shopping malls.
207. He wants to see the world.
208. He has a $1,000-per-year scholarship from Nabisco.
209. He's convinced that there was a conspiracy to assassinate JFK.
210. He doesn't read his horoscope every day.
211. He says about like an American.
212. He always gets the Taste of the Month at Wendy's.
213. He's going to have to get his wisdom teeth removed soon.
214. He has lied during a student council meeting.
215. He uses alkaline batteries.
216. He laughs at bigots.
217. He doesn't hug well.
218. He didn't like American Pie.
219. He used to worry about death.
220. He will be home late again tonight.
221. He has strong opinions.
222. He thinks that fuel prices are too high.
223. He hopes that Elián González is happy.
224. He doesn't understand the difference between morals and ethics.
225. He has satellite television in his bedroom but he rarely watches
226. He will never be finish at this rate.
227. He doesn't want to beat Cynthia.
228. He knows the definition of irony.
229. He wants tighter abs.
230. He's repetitive.
231. He doesn't like to wear shorts in public.
232. He ignores his "Service Engine Soon" light.
233. He doesn't know his blood type.
234. He makes a point of being on time.
235. He's secretly sentimental.
236. He knows his multiplication tables.
237. He doesn't know enough about his family history.
238. He uses pens that cost twenty dollars.
239. He hates advertising.
240. He's a bad dancer.
241. He doesn't litter.
242. He will drive you home.
243. He likes UPEI.
244. He lost his touch.
245. He is a hard worker.
246. He never liked Seinfeld.
247. He hates politics.
248. He doesn't floss regularly.
249. He wants to impress you.
250. He has lost faith in the Academy Awards.
251. He defecates.
252. He doesn't mean to offend you.
253. He enjoys attention.
254. He doesn't understand why Gertrude doesn't see the Ghost.
255. He's a troublemaker.
256. He thinks that he has a slight stutter.
257. He answers the phone funny.
258. He has Archie comics in the trunk of his car.
259. He wears briefs.
260. He doesn't chew his food enough times.
261. He's Caucasian.
262. He doesn't know what colour his eyes are.
263. His hands tremble when he makes speeches.
264. He applauds obnoxiously.
265. He doesn't want to interrupt.
266. He's due for a tetanus shot.
267. He has a low tolerance for stupidity.
268. He's mischievous.
269. He's been to Florida twice.
270. He gets dry skin sometimes.
271. He uses public washrooms.
272. He was picked on as a child.
273. He rarely means what he says.
274. He thinks that Scary Movie was redundant.
275. He wears a lot of earth tones.
276. He never thinks that other dogs can smell his dog on him.
277. He got punched in the line of duty as production editor.
278. He reads too slowly.
279. He doesn't like flowers.
280. His favourite Charlottetown band is Eyes for Telescopes.
281. He is always concerned about his breath.
282. He prefers Corel WordPerfect over Microsoft Word.
283. He will graduate from UPEI without any debt.
284. He had a small role in an amateur production of Sartre's No
285. He has always been pro fixed link.
286. He went to see The Vagina Monologues alone.
287. He got a speeding ticket once.
288. He doesn't clean his sheets enough.
289. He has small hands.
290. He doesn't have a Club Z card.
291. He thinks that Canada is better than the United States.
292. He listens to CBC radio.
293. He hates his cat.
294. He doesn't have any phobias.
295. He wants a larger selection of periodicals in the Robertson
296. He thinks that cellular phones are unnecessary.
297. He doesn't use his ICQ account much.
298. He remembers unimportant details.
299. He doesn't leave the toilet seat up.
300. He can't solve cryptoquotes.
301. He doesn't get nervous when he flies on airplanes.
302. He's suspicious of people who are extremely nice.
303. He daydreams.
304. He can't spare any change.
305. He doesn't get enough sleep.
306. He doesn't eat butter.
307. His bedroom walls are yellow.
308. He doesn't believe that he can be hypnotised.
309. He can't row.
310. He doesn't drink coffee.
311. He's repetitive.
312. He can't draw.
313. He doesn't know if he snores.
314. He's right handed.
315. He's not trendy.
316. He hates happy endings.
317. He buckles his seatbelt.
318. He has never read anything by Lucy Maud Montgomery.
319. He writes his first drafts on his computer.
320. He eats out too much.
321. He thinks that he is immune to advertising.
322. He is easily excited.
323. He can't swim.
324. He doesn't chew his fingernails.
325. He's persistent.
326. He doesn't lock doors.
327. He wastes electricity.
328. He's nobody's protégé.
329. He dresses himself.
330. He was a Navy cadet when he was twelve years old.
331. He tries to be funny without quoting lines from television
332. He has never flown in a helicopter.
333. He doesn't mind going to the dentist.
334. He has never seen a real monkey.
335. He's a back-seat driver.
336. He's insincere.
337. His first aid abilities are lacking.
338. He puts his elbows on the dinner table.
339. He doesn't say anything after people sneeze.
340. He has visible scars.
341. He only puts one space after a period.
342. He appreciates a clever pun.
343. He has difficulty tying balloons.
344. He's sensitive.
345. He doesn't believe in ghosts.
346. He knows how to use a dictionary.
347. He doesn't like telephoning people.
348. He's bad at telling stories.
349. He's smarter than you think he is.
350. He's organised.
351. His winter coat is too big for him.
352. He sucks.
353. He's repetitive.
354. He eats at the Noodle House.
355. He doesn't wear sunglasses.
356. He wants a notebook computer.
357. He doesn't call his backpack a kitbag.
358. He will correct you if you misspell his name.
359. He's possibly the best male vocalist in Charlottetown.
360. He's his biggest critic.
361. He has grown to appreciate Tom Green.
362. He's not apathetic.
363. He puts his pants on one leg at a time.
364. He uses clichés.
365. He learns quickly.
366. He's very defensive.
367. He enjoys a good joke at his expense.
368. He has never considered committing suicide.
369. He doesn't worry about his future.
370. He's making a statement.
371. He doesn't condescend to children.
372. He doesn't like to break the spines of his paperback novels.
373. He's unpredictable.
374. His eyebrows are connected.
375. He doesn't like to give greeting cards.
376. He has bad posture when he sits.
377. He doesn't like the design of the new ten dollar bills.
378. He rarely skips classes.
379. He sets the time to an atomic time clock.
380. He can't use chopsticks.
381. He keeps too many things in his pockets.
382. He doesn't mind helping you.
383. He's rarely in a bad mood.
384. He's intimidated by people that he respects.
385. He doesn't get seasick.
386. He's a nationalist.
387. He hates making mistakes.
388. He's ambitious.
389. He's silly.
390. He doesn't keep in touch with old friends.
391. He thinks that the Charlottetown area could use a public transit
392. He believes strongly in freedom of speech.
393. He hates going to the beach.
394. He wants to finish this list.
395. His thoughts wander sometimes.
396. He really would make a good president.
397. He's almost out of reasons
398. He's feeling disappointed.
399. He wanted to write 600 more reasons.
400. He thinks that 400 reasons are impressive enough, though.
400 REASONS YOU SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT VOTE FOR JEFF
East 29th Ave.