Darren Davis (Running Back): Compact in a way that recalls gorillas and
Teeth: Gold (some).
Rock & Roell Preston (Running Back, Wide Receiver): Football playing
brothers - just like a Disney movie!
Parents are disappointed they aren't: In the WWF making the money their
names should command.
Their names are really: Rock and Roell! Just like a Disney movie!
Szarka (Fullback): Employs a victorious chicken-pecking-type-head-thrust
popular with schoolyard bullies and arrogant street toughs everywhere.
Names better than Szarka: Passaglia, Harpo.
Omarr Morgan (Defensive Back): Described by announcer as 170 pounds (soaking
Actual weight: 176 pounds (dry).
Is still able: To lift his man off the ground.
Marvin Graves (Quarterback): Spends first half of game confused and lost.
Finds: Curtis Marsh. Several times.
Danny McManus (Quarterback): Ok, you know that actor that looks like Nick
Nolte, but isn't Nick Nolte? He's the bad guy in Steven Seagal's Under
Siege. Um, he plays a fed in Predator 2? He's in Black Sheep? The crazy
woodsman? Gary Busey! Yeah! I never remember his name. Danny McManus looks a
lot like Gary Busey.
Probably used to: Surf.
May also have: Smoked dope.
Gary Brown (Guard): Six foot three, three hundred and twenty pounds.
Preferred method for getting around him, as suggested by anonymous sports
caster: Hailing a taxi.
Ankle injured during game: Left.
Also: The right.
Paul Osbaldiston (Kicker): Second only to the great Lui Passaglia in total
Requisite nickname: "Ozzy"
Ron Williams (Running Back): Does not evade tackles as much as he simply
Clifford Ivory (Cornerback): Led the league last year with 62 yards on three
Probably doesn't enjoy: People who point out the incongruity of his last
Darren Flutie (Slotback): Brother of Doug Flutie. Currently third all time
in the CFL for pass receptions.
Does not appreciate comparisons to: Keith Gretzky, Alain Lemieux, Harpo
The Flutie Gang: is the name of Darren and Doug's band. Formerly "The Flutie
Brother's Band," and "Catch This." Honestly.
First Quarter: Saskatchewan spends much of their time scrambling backwards
down the field as they give up substantial penalty yardage. Hamilton manages
three field goals and no touchdowns. (9-0 Hamilton)
Second Quarter: The Ti-Cats and the Roughriders exchange field goals, then
touchdowns. Hamilton adds another field goal. Chris Szarka nearly succumbs
to a heart embolism after completing his two yard run. Danny McManus makes
the game's most ungainly run (14 yards of pure Gary Busey) for the 'Cats
first touchdown. Darren Flutie advances in the record books. (22-10
Third Quarter: Osbaldiston scores his 6th field goal of the game. McCallum
scores his 4th. (25-13 Hamilton)
Fourth Quarter: Graves throws a beautiful shotgun pass to Marsh -
thirty-eight yards for a touchdown. The words "Graves throws to Marsh" are
repeated often from this point forward and Saskatchewan takes a two-point
lead on the strength of the two Graves to Marsh touchdowns. Osbaldiston will
not better his CFL record of eight field goals in a single game, but his
seventh gives Hamilton a one-point lead. Graves leads the charge in the
opposite direction and sets up McCallum's winning field goal - with three
seconds remaining in the game.
Final: 30-28 Saskatchewan
Matthew Dorrell is forever in-debt to your priceless advice.