Participants:

Saskatchewan Roughriders:

Darren Davis (Running Back): Compact in a way that recalls gorillas and bears.
Teeth: Gold (some).

Rock & Roell Preston (Running Back, Wide Receiver): Football playing brothers - just like a Disney movie!
Parents are disappointed they aren't: In the WWF making the money their names should command.
Their names are really: Rock and Roell! Just like a Disney movie!

Szarka (Fullback): Employs a victorious chicken-pecking-type-head-thrust popular with schoolyard bullies and arrogant street toughs everywhere.
Names better than Szarka: Passaglia, Harpo.

Omarr Morgan (Defensive Back): Described by announcer as 170 pounds (soaking wet).
Actual weight: 176 pounds (dry).
Is still able: To lift his man off the ground.

Marvin Graves (Quarterback): Spends first half of game confused and lost.
Finds: Curtis Marsh. Several times.

Hamilton Ti-Cats:

Danny McManus (Quarterback): Ok, you know that actor that looks like Nick Nolte, but isn't Nick Nolte? He's the bad guy in Steven Seagal's Under Siege. Um, he plays a fed in Predator 2? He's in Black Sheep? The crazy woodsman? Gary Busey! Yeah! I never remember his name. Danny McManus looks a lot like Gary Busey.
Probably used to: Surf.
May also have: Smoked dope.

Gary Brown (Guard): Six foot three, three hundred and twenty pounds.
Preferred method for getting around him, as suggested by anonymous sports caster: Hailing a taxi.
Ankle injured during game: Left.
Also: The right.

Paul Osbaldiston (Kicker): Second only to the great Lui Passaglia in total yards kicked.
Requisite nickname: "Ozzy"

Ron Williams (Running Back): Does not evade tackles as much as he simply ignores tackles.

Clifford Ivory (Cornerback): Led the league last year with 62 yards on three returned fumbles.
Probably doesn't enjoy: People who point out the incongruity of his last name.

Darren Flutie (Slotback): Brother of Doug Flutie. Currently third all time in the CFL for pass receptions.
Does not appreciate comparisons to: Keith Gretzky, Alain Lemieux, Harpo Marx.
The Flutie Gang: is the name of Darren and Doug's band. Formerly "The Flutie Brother's Band," and "Catch This." Honestly.

Plot:

First Quarter: Saskatchewan spends much of their time scrambling backwards down the field as they give up substantial penalty yardage. Hamilton manages three field goals and no touchdowns. (9-0 Hamilton)

Second Quarter: The Ti-Cats and the Roughriders exchange field goals, then touchdowns. Hamilton adds another field goal. Chris Szarka nearly succumbs to a heart embolism after completing his two yard run. Danny McManus makes the game's most ungainly run (14 yards of pure Gary Busey) for the 'Cats first touchdown. Darren Flutie advances in the record books. (22-10 Hamilton)

Third Quarter: Osbaldiston scores his 6th field goal of the game. McCallum scores his 4th. (25-13 Hamilton)

Fourth Quarter: Graves throws a beautiful shotgun pass to Marsh - thirty-eight yards for a touchdown. The words "Graves throws to Marsh" are repeated often from this point forward and Saskatchewan takes a two-point lead on the strength of the two Graves to Marsh touchdowns. Osbaldiston will not better his CFL record of eight field goals in a single game, but his seventh gives Hamilton a one-point lead. Graves leads the charge in the opposite direction and sets up McCallum's winning field goal - with three seconds remaining in the game.

Final: 30-28 Saskatchewan

Matthew Dorrell is forever in-debt to your priceless advice.