FACT: Toilet paper was invented in 1857.
OPINION:
The National Post is the only other paper
designed for arseholes.
FACT: Gabriel Fahrenheit invented the mercury thermometer.
OPINION: I bet he was the type of guy who, in the
middle of a snow storm, would come up to you and say, "Cold
enough for you?" Then you tell him "I don't speak English.
Fuck off." Then he says, "Where are you from?" Then you
say, "I just told you I can't speak English. How the hell
do you think I can tell you where I'm from, if I can't understand
your language? Fuck off."
FACT: The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps.
OPINION: And that's just to get to the elevator.
FACT: The mongoose was barred live entry into the
U.S. in 1902.
OPINION: It was caught smuggling gay pornography
on the Canadian border.
FACT: Goldfish swallowing started at Harvard in
1939.
OPINION: Hamster sucking started at Princeton in
1999.
FACT: Dry fish food can make goldfish constipated.
OPINION: Make sure your fish eats liquid foods like
soup, ketchup, and shampoo.
FACT: The stall closest to the door in a bathroom
is the cleanest, because it is the least used.
OPINION: The stall without a door probably isn't
used much either, but you won't have much privacy.
FACT: 54% of Americans prefer to "fold" their toilet
paper rather than "wad" it.
OPINION: Is this after they read it?
FACT: Your urine will turn bright yellow if you
eat too much asparagus.
OPINION: If farmers were smart, they'd change the name of
asparagus to "glow-in-the-dark piss berries."
FACT: There are more people alive today than have
ever died.
OPINION: If the dead ever tried to start a war with
everyone that's alive they'd be outnumbered, but they'd
probably kick our asses because of the mysterious powers
they obtained from beyond the grave. And they'd win because
they have John Candy on their side, and nobody would try
to hurt John Candy.
FACT: The Library of Congress contains 327 miles
of book shelves.
OPINION: insert joke about book shelves here..._________________________
FACT: There are 5 varieties of twins
OPINION: A lot of guys say they'd like to have sex
with twins, but I don't understand the attraction to baseball
players from Minnesota.
FACT: Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn't added until 5 years later.
OPINION: Will Smith signed it last year.
FACT: The only two days of the year in which there
are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL)
are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star
Game.
OPINION: Those are the busiest days for prostitutes
and drug dealers.
FACT: Reno, Nevada, is west of Los Angeles, California.
(Think about it!)
OPINION: I'm trying to think about it, but I really
don't care.
